Browsing all articles from January, 2011

the-chronic

The Chronic: brought to you by AKs, big dicks and the letter ‘N’.

Dr Dre’s seminal The Chronic begins with an introduction from Snoop Dogg (before he lost his ‘Doggy’) in which he  proudly proclaims that he’s protected by N words with “big dicks, AKs and 187 skills.” OK, so Snoop claims that their bodyguards are in possession of 3 skills: 1) A large penis. 2) A machine gun. 3) A really good at killing.  Now, the second two may come in handy due to the nature of their employment, but the first? It’s quite hard to see how having a large penis could place you at any kind of advantage in a combat situation. In fact, if anything you think it would be something of a hindrance – unless of course it’s the kind of conflict that starts with a hug and soon develops into heavy petting (which, for the record, R Kelly sees nothing wrong with). But then, why would you also need an AK and 187 skills? Seems to me that Snoop’s radically lowering his chances of finding a bodyguard by placing such harsh demands on an applicant’s skill set.

And how would they be expected to qualify the first? Would there be a physical inspection at interview, or would he rely on former employers’ references? Possibly the latter, but since it’s such a niche list of skills, you imagine said applicants would work for the only other game in town, which, would be arch-rival (at the time) Eazy-E. And when you factor the rivalry between the two camps it seems unlikely that Snoop would call EazymuthafuckinE enquiring about the proportions of an applicant’s John Thomas. Knowing the fractious history between them, Eazy could easily tell Snoop that his ex-employee had the required penile proportions, knowing only too well that in fact, he only had a regular sized chap, just to make Snoop look stupid, or – if his claims are correct – put him in mortal peril.

And to add a further layer of confusion, Snoop proclaims that when looking for the N word with the biggest nuts, guess whut? That is I (him), and he is him (him). He’s basically saying that he has the biggest nuts. So if you were looking to protect Snoop in the early 90s, you not only needed your own machine gun, murder skills and large dick, but your scrotum had to be smaller than Snoop’s. It was probably an unseen caveat on the job ad, but I imagine a lot of people would be pissed off when they passed the dick exam only to find that they lost out for having equally enlarged nuts. Maybe they could take their complaint to some kind of employment tribunal? Though with such a strange ratio of ‘frank to beans’ Snoop could just claim he’s doing his bit to be an equal opportunities employer, hiring only genitally malformed AK toting bodyguards (with 187 skills, natch).

Yes, the intro to The Chronic poses many important questions – many that it fails to answer. Perhaps one day we will find out what Snoop really meant. And also who killed 2Pac.

top-darts

There was a time when he would have dragged that board back to his cave and eaten it.

Darts gets relatively short shrift in the world of contemporary sports. But was it always this way? Presumably there was a point in human history when the ability to throw a pointy thing with accuracy was more useful than being able to kick an inflatable bladder and fall over convincingly. However, now we’re able to pick up edible experiments involving bum-holes, eyelids and breadcrumbs on the way home from work, such skills have fallen by they wayside. Darts players should be worshipped as Gods – and not just at the Lakeside Centre. Instead they’re more like the hypothetical punch line to a joke involving the components “not”, “what’s” “sports” and “?”.

Top Darts for the Playstation Move is an interesting contradiction (bear with me): on one hand the developers clearly love the game, and take it to an appropriately grandiose level. Or several, in fact. Along with the de-rigueur Irish bar, you get to step up to the oche in what appears to a Triad boss’ office, the set of Peter Andre’s Mysterious Girl video and the Illuminati’s chill out room. On the other hand, however, they are also clearly aware of the sport’s less glamorous reality of nylon shirts, pork scratchings and Elizabeth Duke jewellery, and pepper the game accordingly. The most notable example of this is probably the commentary, which is about as funny as a leprous Chuckle Brother. I guarantee turning  off will become second nature after calibrating the controller.

Thankfully, the mechanics of Top Darts are somewhat more successful. Line up your shot by holding down the button with the squiggle on it before moving the controller back and releasing it on the ‘throw’. As with real darts, your speed dictates the height of the shot. And while the reticule seems overly sensitive on the default view, on most difficulty levels you can zoom in with the X button, which makes it easier, if not more realistic. To combat this, you can always hold the controller above shoulder level, which isn’t essential, but helps you accomplish your goals – especially if they include ‘Looking like a mental’.

After a few throws you gradually begin to understand the mechanics and make most of your shots land where you want. To aid your transition into Robo-Bristow, your previous shot is marked on the reticule, allowing you to alter your next shot accordingly. Obviously it’s not the same as the real thing, but it’s a respectable approximation and more importantly, fun. The fact you don’t have to worry about putting a hole in the village idiot is also a bit of a bonus – but I accept, your local pub may vary.

Unfortunately when you move up the levels on single player things get slightly more erratic. The problem will be obvious to anyone with even a passing knowledge of the game: the Move controller just isn’t that similar to a dart, and, without the game’s assistance, you’re left flailing. It doesn’t help that on anything above silver level, your opponents suddenly turn into plaid shirted ninjas. It’s like stepping up to the oche to take on the bastard lovechild of Bobby George and Stretch Armstrong, armed with only a cucumber and a blindfold.

On any of the more advanced levels it becomes hard to get a handle on the controls and progression becomes more a case of luck than skill – which is a bit too much like real life for my liking. You could always play one of the many games of multiplayer, which gives you all the same handicap. But if you wanted to play a social game of darts with your pals, you’d be better off going down the pub, for a number of different reasons.

It is possible that some players may be able to pick up the controller and throw darts instead of large vegetables. It’s also fair to say that there are no problems with the game that can’t be fixed with a more forgiving update. In all other areas the game excels, especially for a downloadable title. The presentation is surprisingly good and while its claim of being the ‘World’s first 1080p darts game’ seems about as impressive as someone demonstrating an ornate suit they’ve just had made for a mouse, it does look very nice.

Along with a variety of sparkling rooms, in which to throw pointy things at a number of different targets, there are some nice visual touches and a welcome level of attention to detail on display. And while it’s not going to win any awards for breaking new ground, it has a level of visual fidelity and care far greater than you might be used to from a downloadable title. There’s also a fair amount of content included.

You can play in cups and leagues with 1 to 8 human players spanning 4 separate divisions. There are also a number of separate game types for one-off games, including variations on classic rules, High Score, Around the Clock, Noughts and Crosses, and Cricket, which is a darts game widely played in America, and therefore just not cricket. At present there is no online multiplayer, which is a bit of an oversight, but it’s not the only PSN title guilty of that. Although those lucky enough to own two Move controllers and one friend can take their shots at the same time.

Top Darts is a fun, well-presented game with a generous amount of single and multiplayer content and some fun options for customisation. Move into higher levels on single player, however, and you may find it a virtual exercise in genuine frustration. You could argue that the passage of time has dulled our ability to throw sharp pointy objects with accuracy, but, in truth, it probably comes down to the fact that motion controllers just aren’t that much like darts. And it’s not just the village idiot who’s a little bit disappointed by that.