This list began as a kind of ‘Reasons to be cheerful’ for the year ahead. But after giving it some thought, I soon realised that the smallest flicker of optimism doesn’t stand a chance against the horrifying reality of 2012. So what do we have to look forward to? Well there’s a new series of Game of Thrones, a new Ridley Scott sci-fi film and probably some other stuff but, unfortunately, none of it stands a chance against the following. But on the bright side, if one of the predictions below comes true it won’t matter anyway…

1. Gypsy Come Dancing


Producers kept Jeff Brazier on speed-dial

While the UK’s annual obsession with, cooking, dancing dogs and semi-talented but visually unappealing people will show no sign of abating, the real star of the televisual annum will be Gypsy Come Dancing, a TV talent contest about travellers teaming up with minor celebs and dancing for their supper (not to mention their own reality series and a Works-warming ghost-written autobiography). This will be accompanied by an ITV 2 after-show featuring a trollied Olly Murs brawling with members of the audience in a Yates Wine Lodge car park and Stacey Solomon fighting off the advances of a celebrity groper in the ‘Caravan of Love’.

2. Jurassic Renner


‘Wait, so I’m going to be in EVERYTHING?

Did you know that out of the several hundred films being released by Hollywood this year just under half will feature Jeremy Renner? This is a marked increase of 212% on last year and suggests that by 2016 films not featuring Renner will have their own genre. It seems that Jeremy Renner, like hiring a good director, or getting a decent script, is one of the foolproof ways to improve a film’s prospects. So don’t be surprised to see more ‘Renre’ films announced throughout the year – including Blade Renner, where Jeremy Renner has to hunt down clones of himself in the future, Jeressic Park, a bit like the other example but set in the present day and featuring a green and scaly Jeremy Renner with claws and movement-based vision, and Jeremy’s Ladder where an actor playing an Iraqi war vet has nightmarish visions of the future.

3. Sporting comedown


Exciting: The 2012 Olympics

By 2012 we will have seen every single possible athletic configuration of man and pole. Some will be lucky enough to have obtained tickets to see a man throwing a pole down a field, others will be sitting at home watching some men chasing some other men down a track with a pole. Some will even have to make do with listening to a man jumping over a pole with a bigger pole on the radio. Even though these colossal events are months away, the hype for 2012’s been building ever since Zeus invented Lucozade. But, inevitably, by the end of the year we’re going to be bored shitless of sports. Things are just not going to be that good again. Sure, we’ll have smaller athletic gatherings but they won’t be marked with a £27 million pound Danny Boyle choreographed intro featuring dancing nurses and Boris Johnson firing OAPS from the cannons of the Queen’s new state funded warship to satisfy the blood-lust of Poseidon.

4. The end of the government


Clegg: used to love Fridays

The coalition government as we know it will no longer exist by 2013. There are already early signs of fracture: Nick Clegg being notoriously unable to handle his booze on ‘Crème du menthe Fridays’, George Osborne secretly seething every time Vince Cable puts on his Chumbawamba CD. When the dust settles, David Cameron will probably grow a beard, buy the jacket from a vagrant and use his retirement from politics to finally try and understand the underclass. Once he receives confirmation that 100% of society’s problems come from the 99%, he will then return in costume to do what he couldn’t actually do in government: beat them up with his fists. Nick Clegg will probably look sad on Clinton cards and then become the world’s first monochrome human being and the government will be led by the least successful Aardman creation since Flushed Away (a title that may have some additional relevance).

5. The Apocalypse


‘That’s right, £150 with Super Mario 3D’

We’ve had a few false starts in recent years with bird flu, foot and mouth and monkey mumps but 2012 promises to be the biggest yet: an apocalypse predicted the Mayans, who had a great record of predicting every single major event in history – bar their own downfall. The Mayan’s history is littered with successful predictions: the swift discounting of the Nintendo 3DS, Ricky Gervais not actually being as funny and clever as people thought and Cthulu turning up to ruin the opening ceremony of the Olympics (prediction pending) so it would be remiss not to mention it here and use it as a full stop – not just on this article but perhaps on existence itself.

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