kids with sticks

Kids pointing sticks in dark rooms – the magic of Potter.

Imagine the most exciting fantasy film EVER! It would no doubt contain incredible actors fighting against some of the most fantastical creatures ever committed to celluloid. It would be directed by one of the most awesomest directors and would probably last forever. There’d be enough fights and action and derring-do and acting to convince you that you’re experiencing an event for the ages.

I’d love to experience this event but alas, it hasn’t been made yet. Some may tell you that the title belongs to the Harry Potter films but the one I recently experienced consisted of nothing but children standing around a darkened room pointing sticks at each other, while taking it in turns to tell Harry about more exciting events taking place elsewhere and involving better actors.

Unfortunately, by the time it all kicks off the special effects budget has already been spunked, presumably on unseen action sequences involving mega-snakes, flying unicorns, panther-hawks, man-apes and a giant 2-headed barbarian, played by Danny Trejo and Marc Singer. Certainly not on a giant texture-less half-wit made out of the worst CGI since Tregar invited small children into his dungeon – unless the makers charged by pixel size and the bill was settled in magic beans.

Anyway, after the kids are saved from a thrilling detention by 2 middle-aged ginger gentlemen on broomsticks, we eventually get an action sequence set in a public urinal in which Ralph Fiennes, Gary Oldman, Jason Isaacs and some other notable British thesps throw flour at each other until Gary Oldman falls over and dies. The end.

After ‘Harry Potter and the Good One With Gary Oldman’ I was convinced that the series had finally found its feet after the embarrassingly shit first two which successfully captured the feeling of starting a new school perfectly in that each seemed to last for 7 years and watching them was a bit like being repeatedly kicked in the balls by people with bigger feet.

The last two, however have continued to explore the theme of shitness but, as befitting film dealing with teens, with slightly more awkwardness and embarrassment for all and sundry. 

If magic exists in the Potter film universe it’s in the abilities of the producers to talk them up. “It’s the darkest one yet.” They repeat it as if in hope of creating a self-fulfilling mantra (if not a magic spell). And by that token, you’ve every right to expect the next film to feature Harry with AIDS, Hermione knocked up and Ron performing magic handjobs down Diagon Alley for skag. By the way, if someone who has read the book can confirm this, I may add it to my Lovefilm list.

If however, it continues the trend of ‘Harry’s adopted family are dicks, goes back to Hogwarts, meets a new adult who appears bad/good (delete as applicable), is warned about the bad wizard (again!), finds a new room in Hogwarts, finds out that the new adult is actually good/bad then survives an attack from the bad wizard’ then the most exciting fantasy film EVER will only ever exist in the pages of my primary school notebook.

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