“It’s upside down, Mr Bay.”

I caught the first few minutes of Michael Bay’s Transformers the other day, something I vowed to avoid after having my sensibilities raped in a darkened cinema in 2007. But as bad as Transformers was (and come on, it was SHIT) I found myself wondering if the source material was as good as my 10 year old self had led me to believe. And by that token was Transformers 2007 as good as one could have expected?

Is Michael Bay guilty of dumbing-down a decent intellectual property? Or was the mythology getting the kind of half-arsed treatment that robots in disguise deserve? And if they were does that mean EVERYTHING I’ve come to believe in is a lie?

Obviously answers to such existential questions can only be formulated after a prolonged process of research, analysis and long walks through green fields, so ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the world’s dumbest Transformers.

Apeface

apeface

With a name like Apeface you wouldn’t imagine this chap to be causing Stephen Hawking many sleepless nights. True to form, Apeface transforms from a robot into a plane and an ape, which must come in handy when shit pops off on airport runways and zoo enclosures. This ape head is formed by a Headmaster named ‘Spasma’ and with educational instruction like that is it any wonder he turned out to be an idiot?

Colossus

clench-boxart

As well as getting no love from Wikipedians this robotard changes from an evil robot obsessed with the destruction of mankind into the front end of a truck. That’s right, ‘front end’ as in ‘half a truck’. So if the Autobots are looking for this chump all they have to do is search the nearest council estate or monster truck rally.

Doublecross

doublecross

Changes from a robot into a dragon. Seems like someone didn’t get the memo: the idea is ‘robots in disguise’. Doublecross would be more obvious to spot if it weren’t for another Transformer who disguises himself as a rollover winning lottery ticket stapled to a leprechaun wearing a suit made of Red Rum. I’m kidding, but Doublecross is still a dick.

Sky Lynx

sky_lynx

This arsehole’s idea of reality obviously falls somewhere between an LSD flashback and that episode of 24 with the mountain lion. Sky Lynx is probably known as the clever one among his peers for his ability to change from a space shuttle into a bird and a wild cat. Genius. When he’s not blending into the background as a multi-million dollar space exploration vehicle, he can be found chasing himself round the garden.

Trypticon

trypticon

Trypticon has the ability to change between 3 forms: a battlestation, a dinosaur and a city. When he’s not being attacked by the combined might of the world’s armies, he can be found being attacked by the combined might of the world’s armies and being attacked by the combined might of the world’s armies. Trypticon’s attempts at stealth are about as plausible as finding ‘subtle’ in the Collins New Cybertronian Dictionary. Total prick.

Ultra Magnus

ultramagnus

A second in command, brought in to replace a more popular, charismatic and successful (though war-obsessed) leader turns out to be completely crap at the job. Yep, Ultra Magnus is essentially a less robotic Gordon Brown. And despite being able to change into a truck, he’s even less popular. During his short tenure as chief Autobot, Ultra Magnus led his people to a junk planet before admitting he wasn’t up to the job. What a complete wanker.

Conclusion

By now you probably think the writing’s on the wall for the Transformers. But you’d be wrong. If a Japanese toy line could predict contemporary political fallouts from over 20 ago, who’s to say that we can’t predict other events from the eternal war between the Autobots and the Decepticons? Reason dictates the answer lies somewhere between ‘common sense’ and ‘sanity’, but this way Michael Bay remains a cinematically retarded bumhead who wouldn’t know visual coherence and narrative structure if he were taught to read by the spirit of DW Griffith. And that’s the way I prefer it.

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