“Now I want you to look miserable in this direction.”

Going in, I thought my four chest hairs, and memories of only having the same number of TV channels would be the biggest hindrance to enjoying Twilight New Moon. Despite my better judgement I found the first part to be strangely compelling and sporadically hilarious, while being almost unremittingly shit. The biggest obstacle preventing my enjoyment of Twi Harder, however, was the fact I put it in the player in the first place. It made a fairly enjoyable coaster.

For the uninitiated, Twilight concerns itself with the adventures of Bella, a girl who cannot smile. She claims to find pleasure in the company of Edward, whose equally outlandish claim is that he’s a vampire. I say outlandish because he looks like an iron deficient GAP model, dines on woodland creatures and drives a Volvo. That sounds pretty far from the seductive charm and animalistic savagery that has consisted of pretty much every single telling of the vampire myth so far. And that’s without taking into account the fact that he can also survive in sunlight – the vampire curse in this instance serving only to make him look like Jean Michel Jarre playing a gig in Gerald Ratner’s garage.

If lying about being a vampire weren’t enough, Edward’s also a complete arsehole. Not only does he take advantage of Bella’s lack of confidence and personality to make her fall in love with him but, when she yields to his wooden charms, he fucks off, leaving her to fend for herself against vampire tribute acts to Mick Hucknall and Milli Vanilli (or maybe even the ‘real’ Milli Vanilli?). If that weren’t bad enough, the only way she can see him is if she rides backwards on a motorbike or jumps off a cliff, which would be fine if Twilight 2 was a study of supernatural Stockholm syndrome, but the series is now popular enough to be remembered as the definitive fictional romance. This is, without a doubt, the scariest thing about the entire Twilight saga. Those CGI werewolves need to try harder.

Twilight’s essentially about complacency: Your boyfriend’s surly and mysterious – he’s probably a vampire, it’s not your fault. The other object of your affection would rather run around the woods in his underpants with other boys, he’s, erm, well, he’s probably a werewolf. And there’s nothing you can do about that. Bella’s a leaf being blown wherever events take her, which, when you consider the film seems made up of a series of largely unrelated events, could be anywhere. One minute she’s not smiling in a place where it pisses it down all the time, the next she’s stood in the Italian sunshine looking miserable. It’s a joyless, overly serious existence.

Then again, that’s essentially what being a teenager’s all about isn’t it? Perhaps we can look forward to Edward hitting his vampire middle age, trading the Volvo in for a Porsche and hoping all that glitter conceals the receeding hairline and protruding belly, as he hangs around the school car park, attempting to attract the attentions of another young girl who’s seriously lacking in confidence and personality. Bella, meanwhile, will be sat at home, surrounded by dream catchers and ceramic wolves, attempting to keep their little Liberaces away from the hamster.

While we can hope, an excellent post on Chud reveals the true ending of the saga. And even though a vampire caesarian scene is almost enough to get me to check out the next film, I’m still going to award Twilight 2 a ‘not very good’/10.

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