The Chronic: brought to you by AKs, big dicks and the letter ‘N’.

Dr Dre’s seminal The Chronic begins with an introduction from Snoop Dogg (before he lost his ‘Doggy’) in which he  proudly proclaims that he’s protected by N words with “big dicks, AKs and 187 skills.” OK, so Snoop claims that their bodyguards are in possession of 3 skills: 1) A large penis. 2) A machine gun. 3) A really good at killing.  Now, the second two may come in handy due to the nature of their employment, but the first? It’s quite hard to see how having a large penis could place you at any kind of advantage in a combat situation. In fact, if anything you think it would be something of a hindrance – unless of course it’s the kind of conflict that starts with a hug and soon develops into heavy petting (which, for the record, R Kelly sees nothing wrong with). But then, why would you also need an AK and 187 skills? Seems to me that Snoop’s radically lowering his chances of finding a bodyguard by placing such harsh demands on an applicant’s skill set.

And how would they be expected to qualify the first? Would there be a physical inspection at interview, or would he rely on former employers’ references? Possibly the latter, but since it’s such a niche list of skills, you imagine said applicants would work for the only other game in town, which, would be arch-rival (at the time) Eazy-E. And when you factor the rivalry between the two camps it seems unlikely that Snoop would call EazymuthafuckinE enquiring about the proportions of an applicant’s John Thomas. Knowing the fractious history between them, Eazy could easily tell Snoop that his ex-employee had the required penile proportions, knowing only too well that in fact, he only had a regular sized chap, just to make Snoop look stupid, or – if his claims are correct – put him in mortal peril.

And to add a further layer of confusion, Snoop proclaims that when looking for the N word with the biggest nuts, guess whut? That is I (him), and he is him (him). He’s basically saying that he has the biggest nuts. So if you were looking to protect Snoop in the early 90s, you not only needed your own machine gun, murder skills and large dick, but your scrotum had to be smaller than Snoop’s. It was probably an unseen caveat on the job ad, but I imagine a lot of people would be pissed off when they passed the dick exam only to find that they lost out for having equally enlarged nuts. Maybe they could take their complaint to some kind of employment tribunal? Though with such a strange ratio of ‘frank to beans’ Snoop could just claim he’s doing his bit to be an equal opportunities employer, hiring only genitally malformed AK toting bodyguards (with 187 skills, natch).

Yes, the intro to The Chronic poses many important questions – many that it fails to answer. Perhaps one day we will find out what Snoop really meant. And also who killed 2Pac.

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