There’d better be sago at the end of this…

A friend asked me the other day if I had an SEO strategy in place for this site. I replied that I barely have a site, let alone a strategy. But that led me to investigate Google Analytics to see how people are finding

The results were alarming: while most people search for the name of the blog (hooray!) there were a few notable exceptions. Unfortunately, these searchers often bounced off when they realised they weren’t going to find what they were looking for. Looking at their keywords, they probably never will but, anyway, not feeling particularly inspired at the moment, I’ve decided to investigate further.

Example 1: Little Big Vern

Keywords: raoul moat penis size

What were they after?

It seems people are still picking up the pieces from what could well be Gazza’s most disastrous fishing trip of last year. Several months later, there are still many unanswered questions, some of which are only coming to light now.

While people are busy looking for answers to: ‘Did Moat have help?’ and ‘How was he able to evade capture for so long?’ it’s inevitable that some questions will fall through the cracks, lost in time, like Tears for Fears. So it’s clearly up to armchair detectives to uncover the biggest mystery: how big was the little version of the real-life Big Vern?

What did they find?

When searching ‘Raoul Moat penis size’ on this very site it brings up the following: ‘Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t here.’ Which is either a comment on the negative side effects of steroid abuse, or the kind of sobering statement of truth you’d expect from an emotionless robotic bastard. Either way, our have-a-go Hercule was probably disappointed to find my Sports Champions review.  If you’re out there, please don’t give up. Or do. Whatever.

Example 2: The search for sago

Keywords: where can I buy sago pudding in morecambe

What were they after?

Lacking the keen detective sense that should be entrenched after years of James Ellroy novels, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that our searcher probably lives in Morecambe, or visits when searching for sago pudding – a quest that has so far proved fruitless.

What did they find?

I find it quite hard to describe some of the content of my site; it’s quite rambling, strange, and humorous. If someone were to ask me what it’s like I wouldn’t have a clue. However, if someone were to say they were looking for sago pudding in Morecambe, and ask if my site could help, I would have to say probably not. Though they’d hopefully find some comfort in my CODBLOPS review, while they rubbed their sago-deficient tummies.

Example 3: Lost valley of the dildosaur

Keywords: buy dildo

What were they after?

While I have no experience of the item in question, I respect the workmanlike phrasing of the request. The searcher clearly was just in need of a dildo…”and don’t give me any of your bullshit, Google. ”

What did they find?

A search for ‘dildo’ brings up my Dead Rising 2 review, which is clearly ‘bullshit’ – at least by the aforementioned definition.  And while it may amuse and enlighten, it’s unlikely to satisfy their brusque sexual desires. Then again, it’s free and doesn’t take batteries. Silver linings and all that…

Example 4: Covered in cow-tit

Keywords: “cow covered in tits”

What were they after?

Note the quotation marks, this searcher won’t be pacified with just “tits,” nor just “a cow” and the result of “a cow” stood near some “tits” would probably serve only to incense them. Hell, “a cow” bearing one pair of “tits” would probably not suffice. No, this searcher is all or nothing; bring me “a cow” COVERED in “tits” or don’t bother coming home you search engine bastard.

What did they find?

My CODBLOPS review referred to the Call of Duty brand looking like ‘a cow covered in tits’ through its publishers’ special ‘money goggles’, so it’s not like we’re in the wrong ballpark here. In fact, for some reason I feel a special kinship with this visitor, despite the fact he probably hates my guts for reneging on the promise of boob-strapped bovines.

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