Browsing all articles tagged with Sports Champions


There’d better be sago at the end of this…

A friend asked me the other day if I had an SEO strategy in place for this site. I replied that I barely have a site, let alone a strategy. But that led me to investigate Google Analytics to see how people are finding

The results were alarming: while most people search for the name of the blog (hooray!) there were a few notable exceptions. Unfortunately, these searchers often bounced off when they realised they weren’t going to find what they were looking for. Looking at their keywords, they probably never will but, anyway, not feeling particularly inspired at the moment, I’ve decided to investigate further.

Example 1: Little Big Vern

Keywords: raoul moat penis size

What were they after?

It seems people are still picking up the pieces from what could well be Gazza’s most disastrous fishing trip of last year. Several months later, there are still many unanswered questions, some of which are only coming to light now.

While people are busy looking for answers to: ‘Did Moat have help?’ and ‘How was he able to evade capture for so long?’ it’s inevitable that some questions will fall through the cracks, lost in time, like Tears for Fears. So it’s clearly up to armchair detectives to uncover the biggest mystery: how big was the little version of the real-life Big Vern?

What did they find?

When searching ‘Raoul Moat penis size’ on this very site it brings up the following: ‘Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t here.’ Which is either a comment on the negative side effects of steroid abuse, or the kind of sobering statement of truth you’d expect from an emotionless robotic bastard. Either way, our have-a-go Hercule was probably disappointed to find my Sports Champions review.  If you’re out there, please don’t give up. Or do. Whatever.

Example 2: The search for sago

Keywords: where can I buy sago pudding in morecambe

What were they after?

Lacking the keen detective sense that should be entrenched after years of James Ellroy novels, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that our searcher probably lives in Morecambe, or visits when searching for sago pudding – a quest that has so far proved fruitless.

What did they find?

I find it quite hard to describe some of the content of my site; it’s quite rambling, strange, and humorous. If someone were to ask me what it’s like I wouldn’t have a clue. However, if someone were to say they were looking for sago pudding in Morecambe, and ask if my site could help, I would have to say probably not. Though they’d hopefully find some comfort in my CODBLOPS review, while they rubbed their sago-deficient tummies.

Example 3: Lost valley of the dildosaur

Keywords: buy dildo

What were they after?

While I have no experience of the item in question, I respect the workmanlike phrasing of the request. The searcher clearly was just in need of a dildo…”and don’t give me any of your bullshit, Google. ”

What did they find?

A search for ‘dildo’ brings up my Dead Rising 2 review, which is clearly ‘bullshit’ – at least by the aforementioned definition.  And while it may amuse and enlighten, it’s unlikely to satisfy their brusque sexual desires. Then again, it’s free and doesn’t take batteries. Silver linings and all that…

Example 4: Covered in cow-tit

Keywords: “cow covered in tits”

What were they after?

Note the quotation marks, this searcher won’t be pacified with just “tits,” nor just “a cow” and the result of “a cow” stood near some “tits” would probably serve only to incense them. Hell, “a cow” bearing one pair of “tits” would probably not suffice. No, this searcher is all or nothing; bring me “a cow” COVERED in “tits” or don’t bother coming home you search engine bastard.

What did they find?

My CODBLOPS review referred to the Call of Duty brand looking like ‘a cow covered in tits’ through its publishers’ special ‘money goggles’, so it’s not like we’re in the wrong ballpark here. In fact, for some reason I feel a special kinship with this visitor, despite the fact he probably hates my guts for reneging on the promise of boob-strapped bovines.


Robocop greatly appreciated Jimmy’s efforts.

Here’s a rule of thumb for maintaining your hardcore video gaming credentials: never invest in anything that your grandmother could beat you at. Like, for example, the Nintendo Wii, scourge of the hardcore gaming elite.

My own grandmother passed away several years ago but, as the Wii’s raison d’être seems to be in allowing old people to experience the joys of ten pin bowling without having to replace their slippers for lace-up petri dishes, I think even she has a good chance of beating me at the Wii’s most hardcore multiplayer experience: Jedward’s Pejorative Party.

I’ve so far avoided the Wii, despite the occasional flashes of gaming brilliance because I know I’d inevitably end up having to buy reams of shovel-ware for house guests who can’t work a controller with more than one button. Strangely, none of my dinner guests have ever shown much delight at watching me watch Metal Gear Solid 4, but it seems a solution could be at hand with the Playstation Move.

The Move promises to satiate the hardcore gamers’ unfulfilled desire to stand in their living room and move around like a complete prick. It also promises a more acceptable face for motion based gaming peripherals, something that seems at odds with the physical appearance of its controller: a black cone with a glowing orb at the end that, basically, looks like Robocop’s todge.

However, the controller is just the means to experience the next level of gaming right? Well, yes – unless you’re talking about Microsoft’s Kinect, which seems more like a videogame version of Brian DePalma’s The Fury. Maybe that’s why Peter Molyneux cancelled Milo? He probably came home to find the angelic little fucker floating on the ceiling, before trying to push him out of the window.

The Move’s claims to offer something a little more hardcore than the Wii means the inevitable sports compendium – Sports Champions – offers an eyebrow-raising array of lesser-known events. Alongside volleyball, archery and table tennis, you have disc golf, bocce and a gladiator type thing, which is kind of like Soul Calibur as retold by The Arsehole Theatre Group. In fact the only obscure sport they appear to have missed out is this…

Peter Duncan’s Wood-Beast Challenge – a highlight of Sports Champions 2?

Despite the slightly random sports on offer, what they’ve included is a pretty good selection, offering solid and satisfying mechanics, with the added bonus of feeling like they’re games you can master. Well, as much as getting better at virtual ‘bocce’ could be considered a bonus. But if there’s anyone out there whose life goals include “beating a racial stereotype at ping pong” then get that marker pen ready, you’re about to tick some boxes.

Among the parade of wankers that make up the “Champions” is a black man, whose interests run from hip hop to dancing, a Brazilian woman (Giselle, natch) who does capoeira and shakes her booty, an oriental chap who likes swords and electrical goods, a cowboy who likes oil and sleeping with his sister, and a Scotsman, who’d play his deep-fried bagpipes if only he could stop concentrating on not spending money.

And speaking of Connor, you’ll notice that he bears more than a passing resemblance to the world’s most dangerous chicken and lager fanatic: Raoul Moat, which adds some much needed credibility to The Star’s (mysteriously deleted) GTA Rothbury ‘story’. It also explains why ‘fishing’ and  ‘armed robbery’ didn’t make the game’s final lineup.


Moat – enjoying Disc Golf from beyond the grave?

Despite being little more than a tech demo, in Sports Champions, the Move ably demonstrates that the nuts of bolts of ‘hardcore’ motion control are more than fit for purpose. Now all it needs is for someone to find a weightier use for Robocop’s wanger than just hurling virtual frisbees. That’s for someone with far more vision than me. In the meantime it means my dinner party guests no longer have to fear two-hour soliloquies on the nature of war after their dessert. And that’s something like a win-win.