The former Pendables.

Whatever effort Sylvester Stallone exerted when making The Expendables seemed to go into his appearance. Covered in the kind of body art that really brings a prison cell to life, more ripped than anyone in the SAGA catchment area has any right to be and seemingly wearing eyeliner offset by a slightly effeminate beard, he looks like a chiselled lump of wood painted to resemble a human, or a new romantic tribute act stumbling away from a terrible accident involving gamma radiation and varnish. As a physical specimen, he’s a fascinating subject worthy of further analysis, as a character, he’s about as deep as the minimum gene pool requirements needed to understand the film’s plot.

As much as was promised that this would be one last hurrah for the 80s action heroes, Stallone’s obviously held back by his desire to be taken seriously as an artist. This ambition kind of worked for Rambo, because the character’s essentially a child – albeit one who tears people’s throats out – and you feel sorry for him even when he’s being used to make lofty observations about war and human nature. But his character in The Expendables doesn’t seem quite as mentally defunct so his motivation for going to a small South American island to kill everything is the wrong kind of stupid and needlessly contrived*.

We don’t need to understand the plot machinations in The Expendables because they’re mercenaries. All we need at the start of the film is someone offering the team a bag stuffed with cash, weapons and a map highlighting a small island with a drawing of a bomb, and we’re away. The same applies to scenes showing the characters’ personal lives. As far as I’m aware Jason Statham is probably attacked by ninjas when he returns home every night so why they decide to show him have tedious relationship problems in The Expendables is beyond me.

I suspect that when he finished writing the script, Stallone probably had about 5 pages, so had to keep adding stuff that didn’t involve people getting shot to keep the budget down. This would also explain why the film is only bookended by the full team in action, the rest of the time it’s the Stallone / Statham show, which is disappointing unless you’re a fan of cheesy banter and homo-eroticism. There is a 3-way scene between Stallone, Arnie and Bruce Willis (which sounds all kinds of wrong when following the previous sentence) but whatever momentum is generated from their appearance together is soon lost thanks to poor jokes and Arnie’s distracting ‘Superman From Del Monte’ outfit.

When things do finally kick off in The Expendables it goes some way to fulfilling its potential, becoming loud and exciting, if not easy to follow.

Despite having awesome-on-paper match-ups like Jet-Li versus Dolph Lundgren, Li and Staham versus direct to video colossus, Gary Daniels, and 2 large bald men shouting at each other, the camerawork subscribes to the modern aesthetic that shakiness >  being able to tell what’s going on. It’s likely that Scott Pilgrim contains better old-school fight choreography despite a common perception that it’s less manly. Not that I’d know, because it’s not out in the UK yet, hence you and my mum reading a review of the new Eric Roberts film.

Despite its flaws, I did have fun with The Expendables. It is something of a thrill to see a number of actors rise up from the bottom shelf of the video shop (ask your parents) to get their moment on the big screen again. And despite some pandering to the modern action aesthetic and his creative aspirations, Stallone has made a film that holds up to the  80s action heyday. Just think Cobra and Red Scorpion instead of Die Hard and Predator.

* For the record the reason appears to be because he’s given a drawing of an attractive lady and Mickey Rourke tells him a story that makes his eyes leak man-tears. It’s a good scene from Rourke, but a bit random.

Leong, Hong & Wong.

“Which iconic, Chinese character actor from the days when VHS was king would you rather have a pint with?” It’s a question that has perplexed scholars and film journalists for years, and it’s a question that I’ve finally decided to try and answer.

Knowing little about their personal lives and not possessing the force of will to find out, my research will be solely based on their film roles. And if you’re wondering why it’s not called ‘Wong, Hong, Leong or Pat Morita?’, it’s because Morita doesn’t rhyme with Wong, Hong and Leong and because he was Japanese. Shame, because I have it on good authority that Pat loved nothing more than to wax-off his evenings with a tipple.

But I digress. Without further ado, let’s move on to our first contestant.

Victor Wong (far right) – Best known for his roles in Big Trouble in Little China, The Golden Child, Bloodsport and Tremors. Or The Last Emperor if you read newspapers with a words-to-pictures ratio of greater than 0:1. Wong is instantly recognisable for his slightly lop sided face, crazy facial hair and crazier acting style.

Judging from his film roles, Wong would probably be a great companion to have a few beers with. He’d be funny and slightly odd at first, then, as drinks continued, he’d probably get funnier and odder before no doubt revealing some great bottom of the glass wisdom and a magic trick. The old rascal.

Though like inevitable hangovers it isn’t all good news. Judging from his roles, Wong isn’t the most trustworthy of people and while he may have the best intentions he could well vanish into thin air when it’s time to pay the bar bill.

Still even if he stiffed you for the drinks, for entertainment value alone Victor Wong gets a very solid 4/5. Well done, Victor.

James Hong (middle) -From his work you’d be forgiven for believing James Hong to be the most evil of Chinese character actors. For example as Lo-Pan he pretended to be old and infirmed to get free food and help crossing the road, when all the time he was thinking about killing Kurt Russell and stealing his girlfriend! Hong’s villainy in the 80s was so immense that he kept a troll as a pet and would think nothing of feeding you to it.

His villainy continued as his laissez-faire attitude to evil saw him enrage the normally mild mannered Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell (again). He even managed to annoy celebrity Buddhist Richard Gere! Recent years tell a different story however as Hong has since appeared mainly in comedies and family movies playing uncles and kindly eccentrics.

But the real question remains, if you were to go for a pint with Hong which would you get, kindly old gentlemen or evil, immortal phantom with troll? And who’s to say he wouldn’t start off nice before Lo-Panning you in the face after a few too many?

The eternal James Hong hero/villain dichotomy gets him a wary 2.5/5. Caution advised.

Al Leong (left) – If something bad happened in the Los Angeles area on film or TV in the 1980s then chances are Al Leong had something to do with it. Leong is in the unique position of going up against Knightrider, The A Team, Magnum PI, The Equalizer, MacGyver, TJ Hooker and The Fall Guy. In fact the only person who wasn’t bothered was Manimal (presumably because Leong is impervious to dolphin, puma and falcon attacks).

This pattern of enraging TV characters continued long into the 90s. In the first series of 24, when Jack Bauer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped he could have saved himself (and the viewer) a lot of time by going straight over to Al Leong’s house. In fact Leong is so crazy that his idea of a lighthearted comedy role is playing Genghis Khan.

So it goes without saying you wouldn’t go for a drink with Leong right? Well I guess that would depend where it was. If you had to go for a drink in a place favoured by unsavoury types (Peterborough perhaps) there’s probably no one better to hang around with than Al Leong. For one thing he’d probably be on first name terms with everyone and if Knightrider turned up you’d have your lift home sorted.

For knowing which side his bread’s buttered on Al Leong gets a 4/5. Congrats Al, please don’t kill me.

So there you have it, both Victor Wong and Al Leong would be equally amusing drinking partners. James Hong should be your 3rd choice should you struggle to find any other iconic Chinese character actors to share your pork scratchings with.